I wanted to explain a little more about the reasons for restarting blogging.

Last year I wrote a blog for a few months about my relationship, and particularly how it fared according to where it was in my wife's monthly cycle. It struck a chord with a few, made a couple of people laugh, and then I upset a few others. And then I left.

If you had asked me even 2 months ago about blogging again, and some kind but obviously deluded soul did indeed do that, I would have replied I would never come this way again. At that time, I didn't really know what would be happening with my marriage. I'm not even going to bother describing the absolute turmoil and gut-wrenching, stomach-churning pit of misery I found myself in during various points of the last year, because words are useless, we all know that. Nearly all the trouble I've ever found myself in has been a result of words, my own usually, like I love you, or will you marry me, or go on then I'll have another.

It's enough to say that my wife and I spent some months apart and we are back together now. There is an acceptance from both of us that we will always have a shit relationship, the odd high punctured by regular absolute lows. We do not and probably will not ever understand each other. We argue, we bicker, we bring a thousand slights to the most trivial of conversations, we bring a history of hatred and love to making the tea, to the anniversary of each and every day, but we also know we are better together than apart.

In some ways that is almost liberating. We no longer try to work out where we have gone wrong, (well ok - I do)  we just shout and get it over with. We took off for a holiday, a second honeymoon if you will, which was a mixture of comedy and disaster. But we came through it. The children are happy. My wife is probably as happy as she will ever let herself be, and I'm not sad. There are many people out there with better relationships, but I do not envy them, not really.

I made a commitment that I take seriously. I don't feel that I am entitled to seek happiness or even less misery elsewhere just because we are fucked up. You can't tell someone you will always be there and then leave when it gets tough. So I came back. I still have to stand one step removed from the ridiculous things we fight about, but I also know that the woman I love loves me the best way she knows how. I make her mad, but I also make her laugh. I've found out more about her in these past few months. Some of the things I've found out I wouldn't have chosen to, but there is no undoing knowledge. I guess they at least help explain the anger in her core. Maybe one day we will put those things away and never visit them again.

But the reason for restarting the blog? It's the same as it was last year, I need the outlet. I have to play it reasonably carefully, because it would be easy to let the outlet define the relationship. If I'm honest there was one very specific small incident which convinced me I should start the blog again, and that was a young girl smiling at my wife and I bickering over a coffee bought at a station. My wife is one of those people who sometimes takes coffee with sugar and sometimes without. So I asked her if she wanted a sugar, having already picked up a couple of the meagre sachets.
"Just one" she replied. And then she looked at the two already in my hand.
"Just one sugar" she says again, but louder.
"No! Just one SUGAR" she shouts.
"The other one is for me ok?" I say. And I look round to see this young girl smiling and holding up one finger as she mouths just one sugar at me in amused chastisement. I laughed, and it reminded that there is always humour there. That the everyday mundane actions of two probably unsuitable souls who can't live apart does at least have the capacity to make others smile. I enjoyed that about writing this before. I'm hoping I can enjoy that again.

I'm not sure how regular the updates will be. But quite frankly who gives a fuck? I'm not doing this for you. This is for me. I deserve it.